The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
