wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
