hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
