I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Randomize
