You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
