I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
