I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
