The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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