We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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