My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
