You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
