hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
