proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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