I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I had to cum in my sink.
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