woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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