Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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