I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
