Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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