I'm going to jail i love you
one two three fourrrrnication!
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
