I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
