I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I can text with my tongue
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
