I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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