So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
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