The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize