A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
