no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
