i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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