Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
