apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
