Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
