just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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