life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
