Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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