So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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