The maid of honor just puked.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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