stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
