She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
