He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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