I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
