Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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