Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
