I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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