We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
