Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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