why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
