So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize