In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
