the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
