My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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