david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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