I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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