I think I died a long time ago.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
