You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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