Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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