dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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