Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
